Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
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Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.