this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
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I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog