[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
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Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
sliding into dms like
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters