Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME: