You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
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Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.