I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
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I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair