I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
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Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Somebody’s lying.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
#milo
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*