I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
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Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Meow?
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Just so funny