How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
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Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
If you love someone, let them tweet.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!