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Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*