PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
❤️🦆
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?