WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
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Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.