My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
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Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I bet birds love this building.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Cake safety first. Always.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.