ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
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Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers