For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Dietest Coke
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.