You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
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I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Stop sending me this shit.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
How do you milk an almond?
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked