“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
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I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
<- sleeps well with others
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.