Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
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couldn’t resist
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]