If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
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I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Last-minute gift idea!
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.