CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.