I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
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A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
incredible
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.