How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
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Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy