A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
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5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I will never stop laughing at this
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
When does CPR become necrophilia?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated