me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
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Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him