“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
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[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
CUTE CAT‼︎
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this