Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
You Might Also Like
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
guilty
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.