COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
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I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
#NoRestForTheWicked
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
S O O N
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Bread puns are on the rise!