Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
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Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Big Sex has us all fooled
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
All is fair in drunk and war.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?