Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
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Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Only short people can save us
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”