No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
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perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
thank god the sign was there
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.