Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
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Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.