despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
You Might Also Like
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
“what that mouth do?” complain
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO