God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
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My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.