i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
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ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.