[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
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Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.