What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
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Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Still my favourite meme.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free