I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
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Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.