Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
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Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome