I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
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two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
getting corrected
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.