He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
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So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.