[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
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I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I needed a laugh this morning.
#SaturdayBears
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer