If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
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Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Every time.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
When the stylist spins you back around
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth