Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
You Might Also Like
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Usage Guidelines
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”