“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
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Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
What the hell happened here.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?