No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
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Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*