lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
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The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
😩😩😩
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.