“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
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Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire