*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
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World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??