Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
You Might Also Like
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.