Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
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These 3D printers are insane!
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that